The post is the starting gun. Several drivers either fail to
hear the shot, or upon seeing the course, decide to withdraw. Many believe the
starter may have replaced the blanks with live rounds. A member of the onlooking
crowd takes a bullet, but survives. It is unclear in subsequent investigations
whether the bullet came from the starter, or from the adjoining discussion group
"re: Why Starf*cks Sucks".
Email replies #3, #6 and #10 burst off the line full throttle.
Race officials, who waited to read all the official entry sheets until after
the starting gun, note that these drivers failed to carefully examine entry
rules concerning age and position on upcoming elections.
All the cars are plastered with decals of varying sizes from
the same small pool of sponsors: Enjoys the Outdoors, Dinner by Candlelight,
Walks on the Beach, Curl Up With Good Book, Fun and Easygoing, Going Out, Staying
Home. Race officials were motivated to find other sponsors, but the majority
of drivers on the circuit seemed unwilling to entertain offers of support from
any but the most established and recognizable companies.
Before reaching the first turn, smoke begins to billow from car
#2. Although fitted out with much the same chassis as the other cars, the engine
is actually powered by an automatic service for Ukrainian and Southeast Asian
drivers looking to relocate to this circuit, and the car is waved off the track.
Oddly, this vehicle continued to reappear throughout the race, with different
numbers and different sponsors, only to be escorted off again.
The first turn represents the first set of email exchanges. More
information about the upcoming course is exchanged for more background on the
drivers. Questions went out regarding the drivers' other interests and fuel
intake, along with requests for photo I.D.
Half the entrants miss this turn deliberately, instead veering
off onto the city streets. Reporters at the event conjecture about their motivations.
Some argue that the course ahead seemed altogether overly sedate, safe, and
posed no challenge. Others claim that particulars about the course, while somewhat
commonplace, could be considered repugnant. Smoking, Drinking, and No Interest
In The Current Music Scene are listed as likely turn-offs that certain drivers
had to take.
Another group of drivers attempts to make the turn, but crashes
violently. Many of these accidents seem to have been caused by improper tire
inflation. One of the more perceptive and cynical commentators remarked that
tire failure can also be caused by over-weighting a vehicle. Course officials
do not consider payload tonnage to be an automatic disqualifier, however, in
practice, such vehicles often fail to make it past the first turn.
Several turns later, the famously disastrous hairpin comes into
view: the First Date. The crowd, whose interest has flagged noticeably since
the excitement of the starting gun, now line the edge of the tarmac, sometimes
venturing dangerously close to the oncoming cars.
Each of the remaining drivers takes a different approach to making
this turn.
One opts for Coffee, seemingly a safe and short route which affords
an easy exit should the turn prove detestable, creepy, morbidly obese, or otherwise
unforgivably poorly socialized. However, this line took much longer than either
the course designer or the driver expected. Much of the tension in the air was
dissipated: while the turn was negotiated successfully, neither driver nor course
officials felt that this section of course had offered a compelling demonstration
of the driver's skill.
The next chooses a Brunch route. Running this path on a Sunday
can lead to an uncomfortable exit, but the driver has prudently articulated
in advance the maximum time period allowed to make the turn, citing the need
to attend a different rally in the next town. The turn is made, no one is hurt,
but the driver is never heard from again. Course officials are somewhat disappointed,
given that both car and driver seemed well suited to finishing the race, the
car having an aerodynamic chassis, and the driver seemingly focused and engaged
in the event.
Driver #5 has insisted on bringing a co-pilot along for the turn,
and course officials have reluctantly agreed, assuming that the driver is intent
on maintaining safety throughout the turn. It is soon discovered that the driver's
motivation for the co-pilot was born out of the need to have as large an audience
to watch the performance as possible. Course officials quietly place a series
of cones in the road, leading the driver off onto a series of side streets,
never to be seen again.
At this point, it is discovered that the picture ID for Driver
#13 was actually taken ten years prior. Although not an automatic disqualification,
car #13 has also developed a strange whining noise. The driver states that a
previous course had caused traumatic damage to the chassis and engine. Sponsors
for car #13 have urged the driver to keep this information in the background,
instead focusing on their products: Charming Smile, Dresses Nicely. Vaguely
unsettled, officials thank car #13 for entering the race and escort the driver
from the track.
To the audience's amazement, a car without a number jumps onto
the track and races wildly towards the leaders. Oddly, it sports multiple images
of a graphic and prurient nature, and is sponsored by "Drive THIS, Lover!"
Course officials successfully stop the car and banish it from the race, despite
the protests of several clearly inebriated members of the audience.
As the race proceeds, many participants, as well as the audience,
lose interest. Cars are seen parked in front of the many pubs lining the course.
As we reach the 3/4 mark, there are only 2 cars left: #1 and
#12. Both have taken 2 pit stops. Both are running dangerously low on fuel,
and both are dangerously exposed to the elements. The turns are growing sharper,
the rain is coming down, and neither is entirely sure that the finish line is
really where they want to go, given all of the lovely pubs and the condition
of the course. On the surface, it seems very nice, a charming stretch of road.
But how many times has it been traveled over, and really, what is this macadam
laid over?
The flag. No cars cross the line. The race is not considered a success, except
by the local tavern owners. The organizers vow to change some crucial elements--
look for entrants from other areas, perhaps engage in some face-to-face networking.
Maybe do some course redesign, although previous attempts were met with resistance.
*The author notes that the essay does not fit into the current
theme. He apologizes.
**The author further notes that he lifted the conceit for
the essay from JG Ballard's The Assassination of John Fitzgerald Kennedy
Considered As A Downhill Motor Race and Alfred Jarry's The Crucifixion
Considered As An Uphill Bicycle Race. Apologies to both.
***Finally, to those internet dates I have lost contact with,
or stopped emailing, I'm sorry.
Daniel Thomas lives in Portland, OR. He can pencil
you in for lunch on Tuesday, but give him a call around 10:30 just to make sure
nothing's come up.
