Not long ago, it was reported in the media that re-using plastic
mineral water bottles could pose grave risks to human health. Evidently, even
if those Dasani bottles were thoroughly washed before being refilled with tap
water, they had a tendency to become contaminated by human fecal coliform bacteria
over time. A friend of mine emailed me this report, prefacing it with a question
that I am sure is rising to the reader's lips even now: "What the fuck--
are people ramming their water bottles up their asses or something?" But
what grabbed me about the story was its ominous assertion that while ass-rammed
water bottles might not present that large a risk to a healthy adult, they could
be quite dangerous FOR CHILDREN.
"Think of the children" is the media's rallying cry when orchestrating
a campaign to induce mass hysteria (and to increase the sales receipts of the
Coca-Cola company, purveyor of Dasani). How many parents can picture their dimpled
cherub sucking down untold quantities of intestinal flora without rushing off
to the Circle K for a fresh case of bottled water? The safety of children is
now used to justify all manner of misguided risk management efforts, from outlawing
recess to preventing the importation of delicious unpasteurized soft cheeses
oozing promiscuously with Continental lactobacilli.
Let me just say at the outset that I'm a mother, and I believe I'm more safety-conscious
than many. In fact, I come from a long line of what were once called crepe hangers,
those who delight in expecting the worst. My mother used to make me try to hold
my breath for the entire length of the Holland Tunnel because of the exhaust
fumes, and if a raw Camembert had set foot into our suburban ranch house, it
would have been Lysoled into oblivion before it could lure any Ritz crackers
to their doom. I try to carry on the family tradition, although it doesn't really
come naturally to me. I apply the sunscreen, put the paper on the public toilet
seats, buckle the seat belts low and tight across the laps, and stand over my
kids screaming "Molars! Molars!" when they brush their teeth.
But of late I've noticed a depressing trend that is now threatening to turn
all of us, not just THE CHILDREN, into a nation of, well, complete pussies.
We seem to have come down with a little case of severe risk-aversion. I'm sure
that no matter which example I cite of American overcautiousness-- and there
are many, from high-altitude bombing to antibacterial phone wipes-- someone
will write in from the Citizens' Council for Compulsive Handwashing or Mothers
Against Ass Ramming to call me a monster and cite statistics on how many innocent
lives were lost just because I wrote this essay. But let's just look at one
of the consequences of the New Wussiness, one I already happen to know something
about so I won't actually have to engage in any original reporting here: playgrounds.
About 20 years ago, the US Consumer Products Safety Commission (CPSC) issued
guidelines for playground safety. Since then, playgrounds across the country
have been redesigned or demolished in order to comply with safety requirements.
Been wondering what happened to all the seesaws and merry-go-rounds? They have
been deemed unsafe at any speed. Set foot on any newish playground and you'll
find yourself ankle-deep in a squishy surface known as the "sponge,"
designed to keep kids from cracking their skulls open if they fall off the jungle
gym. Even swings are becoming less common, and when you encounter them, they
often dangle on pathetically short chains-- you can forget that old fantasy
about swinging over the top. What we are left with is molded plastic "play
structures" on which kids can walk up steps, do a little ladder climbing,
and descend plastic slides that are so unslippery that they often get stuck
halfway down. These structures are usually designated as safe for specific age
groups: 2-5, 5-12, etc.
But they took the fun out of playgrounds for a good reason, you say. They did
it to protect the lives of THE CHILDREN! The funny thing is, though, that according
to the CPSC, we have precisely the same rate of injury now as when the playground-safety
movement began. Experts say they're not sure why this is the case. I am here
to tell you that it should be obvious to anyone without a bottle of Dasani rammed
up his ass. The 2 to 5 year olds are playing on the 5 to 12 year-old playground,
and the 5 to 12 year-olds are huffing airplane glue in the bushes. The bottom
line is that before the human spirit is crushed out of them by the CPSC, children
like to take risks. They need to take risks. If you take away their seesaws,
they will find other ways to take risks, like throwing bricks off the freeway
overpass.
"But what does this have to do with that Dasani bottle lodged in my butt?"
you ask. I'm getting to that. I find it curious that the less hardship and danger
Americans experience, the more scared we seem to be. Kids don't die of diptheria
and scarlet fever anymore, so now we vaccinate them for chicken pox and drug
them for acting up in school. Kidnappings of children by strangers have actually
decreased considerably in the past few decades, but parents are terrified to
let their children go outside to play. Modern sanitation has freed us from scourges
like cholera and typhus, but do we sit back with a nice glass of potable water
and give a sigh of blessed relief? No. We spend millions on bottled water and
frantically slather ourselves and our offspring with antibacterial soaps, creams,
and unguents, most of which do more harm than good.
Today's kids, although protected by an ever-expanding arsenal of laws and drugs--
excuse me, legitimate pharmaceutical products-- from diseases like "social
anxiety disorder" (formerly known as shyness), deadly seesaw injuries,
and all those pesky telephone-borne bacterial infections you used to see so
much of, will, of course, face some real dangers. They will confront a contaminated
environment. They will be tried as adults and locked up in the state pen. They
will be used as cannon fodder in the never ending struggle against those who
"hate our freedom." I say if we're truly worried about the welfare
of THE CHILDREN, let's stop poisoning them, jailing them, and blowing them up
and let them play for a few years, before it's time for them to embark on their
careers restocking the Dasani aisle at the Circle K.
Juliette Guilbert is Literary Editor of Lime
Tea. Along with her husband, Ben, she attempts to shepherd her two children to maturity in Miami, FL.
