Has the crushing isolation of late industrial capitalism got
you feeling like you don't have a friend in the world? Do you find yourself
spending night after solitary night with no shred of peer reinforcement to bolster
your fragile sense of self-worth? Do you feel like you'd give almost anything
for a kind word, a friendly gesture, a little pat on the pack from the world
to let you know that you are somebody, after all?
Well, my friend, you're not alone.
Actually, that's not true-- you are alone, technically, in the sense that no
one is hanging out with you right now.
And I guess I might as well admit right now that you're not really my friend,
either.
The point is, if you're feeling blue, there's something you can do about it.
No matter how socially inept you are, no matter how personally unappealing you
may be, no matter how many little insults life may have handed you, there's
one place where you can almost certainly find unalloyed praise and unlimited
goodwill.
In short, when life hands you lemons, check your eBay
feedback.
Unless you're a manipulating, predatory con-artist (and let's be honest; how
often do manipulating, predatory con-artists need an ego boost?), chances are
that your eBay feedback is awash with tender words of unremittingly sunny approbation.
Let's use my own feedback as an example. Here's what 1958cameo
has to say about yours truly: "Good communication-- recommended!"
Look at that-- not only does Cameo think I'm
a good communicator (and that's a pretty important skill, don't you think?),
she "recommends" me to others! Sounds like she's practically ready
to fix me up with one of her hot single friends-- and who can blame her?
And believe me, that's just the beginning. Cameo's comments are
positively tepid by eBay standards. Check out this blanket endorsement of my
character from dhsmith: "It is a pleasure to deal with Marty.
Thanks, Dan & Ellen."
See? I'm "a pleasure to deal with." That lady who I
made cry at the DMV last week was probably just having her period or something.
Moreover, you'll notice that Dan and Ellen speak with one voice on this-- a
welcome relief from all those couples you meet these days who can't seem to
make up their mind. You know how it is-- either she's pissed off at you because
you and he are always going to a bar to talk about what a controlling bitch
she is, or he's got a problem with the way you're always making out with her
drunk in the kitchen at parties. You can't win with some people.
But you can win with the folks on eBay! If you can manage to
unstick your face from that puddle of dried vomit on the carpet for long enough
to log on to PayPal and send $17.99 (plus shipping) to the seller of "NWT
Men's Express Low Rise Boot Cut Jeans 36," why, you're well on your
way to sainthood as far as that person is concerned: "Super-eBayer!
Highly recommended!! A++++++++!!"
Think about that for a moment. That's an "A" followed
by no fewer than eight pluses, which makes it better than an "A,"
better than an "A+," even better than an "A+++++++!" Albert
Einstein could blow his T.A. in Remedial Geometry at Southeast Missouri State--
twice-- and still not get a grade that good.
Even if the nicest thing your real-life friends can think of
to say about you is "shows up for work most of the time; no outstanding
felony warrants," your eBay pals will seldom disappoint. They know how
difficult life can be for you, and if you can manage to do anything right at
all, they'll reward you with the non-judgmental positivity of a referee at the
Special Olympics. Simply restraining yourself from putting a live cobra in the
box with their item qualifies as "Great packaging, honest description
& quick ship!!" If you can get through a three-line email about
shipping details without addressing them as a "slack-cunted mongoloid whore,"
you're "Very patient and pleasant to deal with!"
See how easy it is? Why even bother with the harsh censures and cruel indifferences
of real life when you could be skipping from cloud to cloud in the neverending
interpersonal Candyland of eBay? Let's face it, not even Gandhi on his best
day could muster a personal positive feedback rating of 99.4% on Planet Earth
as we know it. In the eBay universe, though, everything is sunshine and lollipops
and My Little Pony, even for dorks like you and me.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some business to conduct with
certain young lady about an "Emenee Toy air ORGAN/PIANO for child *works
great*!!" If I play my cards right, I'll bet she and I could make
beautiful music together.
